i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
