I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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