I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
