I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
