what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
