nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
