I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize