she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The uberlube is also flammable
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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