Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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