Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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