He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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