he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
