so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
