How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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