??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
