My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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