He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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