New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
