the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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