oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
