I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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