woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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