i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have post one night stand depression
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
