dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
