Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
