I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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