Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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