Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
