i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
