I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You work out of a Hotel?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
