So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
