I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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