i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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