So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
