tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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