You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
