I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
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There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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