Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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