How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
