either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
