Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize