Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
