alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
do nipples grow back?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
