Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
