Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Watching her eat just hurts me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
