She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i think my cat just said my name.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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