got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
if i died would you start the facebook group?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
