sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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