Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
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finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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