You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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