We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
