Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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