Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
