I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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