genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
