he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
