I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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