Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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