my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
